Note To Self, Never Do That Again

Author's Note: This is a fake letter from my future self to my younger self that I would give to my younger self if in the future if I could time travel.  This is most likely not what my future self's opinion will be.

Dear Younger Self;...(Is that how you address yourself in a letter? I don't know.  Would Dear Me sound better?  Or how bout Dear You/Me?  No, no.  I'll just go with the first one.)  Okay, so, Dear Younger Self,

I'm writing this letter to you because I am from your future and, let me tell ya, it's not that great.  Here are some things to better your future.

How old are you?  Like three?   Oh, so you probably can't read this... alright, I'm back.  I installed a voice box to read this to you when you open the letter.  What was I thinking about?... Oh yeah.  You're three.  My earliest memory is from when I was three and my cousin Sean stole my sunflower seeds.  How to fix this:  Steal them back!  If you want those seeds, fight for them.

Next memory, loving Barbies and insisting that you get a Barbie ornament for Christmas.  Word of Advice: Do not like Barbies!!! You did not need to be obsessed with them for three years of your life.  They are just stupid pieces of plastic.  Do something cool and melt them.

Hmm, other memories.  Oh, in second grade, do not like Alfredo just because his name is the same as a sauce you put on noodles.  That is not an attractive trait.

Let's jump a bit forward.  Do not get married to Richard.  Your initials become MAE.  That what he calls you for the rest of your marriage.  He also makes all these stupid jokes like "MAE-be we could go see that movie"  or "It's May first, but MAE will always come first in my book."  It was cute at first, but it got really annoying, really fast.  You begin to hate the word "may" and are thrilled when you find out he is cheating on you and you finally have a reason for a divorce.

And lastly,  DO NOT THINK GO BANANAS FOR MONKEYS and GO MONKEY FOR BANANAS are good titles for your two books about Death.

I know this is a lot for a three year old to take in,but it's important that you know and understand these things so you can change them.  Perhaps you should just re-read each paragraph when it is relevant to that age.  Anyway,besides those things, your life is perfect.  So just do me a favor and fix them, will ya?  Thanks.

Loving how awesome we are,

Your future self